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Saturday, January 10, 2009

1:18am

Here I sit in front of my computer at 1:18 in the morning. I can't sleep. I have a lot of things going through my mind right now and I need to get some of them off my chest.

Trae is leaving. It seems he and his partner have had a falling out. He feels he can't stay here anymore. To many memories. He's moving back to Memphis. In a way I'm mad at him. Why does he have to run away? However I understand. I can't be mad at him. He needs to make himself happy. I want him to be happy. I'm really sad, mostly. I don't want my friend to leave. Damn him!

Which bring me to my next concern. Work. I don't want another new manager. I haven't even been there a year yet and I will have had 3. Change sucks no matter how well it ends up in the end. I'm not getting many hours at work due to low customer volume and I don't know if I should go look for another job in this bad economy or if I should suck it up and ride it out. I will no doubt take the lazy route and stay.

Boeing has announced they will be laying off people starting in Feb. Terry has been assured a number of times by a number of different sources that he probably has nothing to worry about. Great, so I will probably not freak out. I think we will be OK from what Terry has said to me but it is scary none the less.

I'm also wondering if I'll be a good parent. I want to say yes but what if I suck at it. Then that makes me wonder if I really want kids. Truth be told I think I'm terrified that if I have a kid I'll hate being a parent. What kind of person does that make me? What kind of woman? I see kids everyday and I'm all "Awwwww" then I get home and one of the pets won't leave me alone or throws up on something and I'm all "I seriously want kids?" But then I'm terrified I won't have any. To think that I could be a 75 year old woman that never had kids make me very sad. I must really want kids, right?

So here I sit at 1:44 in the morning with tears in my eyes, wondering why the dogs not in bed with Terry and hoping I will fall sleep soon.

6 comments:

JLeigh2015 said...

I get that way sometimes too when I can't sleep because I have a lot on my mind. I have no doubt that you will be a wonderful mother. Everyone has doubts about whether they will be a good parent and it's totally natural. I hope everything turns out for the best..for you and your boss. Get some sleep and cheer up :)

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you had a rough night. I hope this morning dawned brighter. Stephen's job laid off like 10 people right before christmas. That was scary since I am not working. He had also been assured that he is too valuable to be at risk, but you never really know, right? It will be hard to see Trey go I am sure, but you have to stay positive about the situation. If your next boss feels like the odd man out it will be weird. Try to welcome them as best you can and start off good. No one is hiring right now. I checked starbucks online yesterday... nothing. We are getting pretty desperate since my art is not selling. Do not quit your job unless you HAVE to. This I say with a bitter taste in my mouth. As for the parenting issue, do not stress on it. It will come natural to you. I know you will not be one of those moms that sanitizes every surface that her kid touches everyday, but would you really want to be. Your capasity to love is great and that is all you really need, right?
Hugs and kisses,
Nikka

Anonymous said...

Heather, you are amazing. You are a great person. From what I hear baby vomit isn't that bad compared to an animals' vomit, less chunky you know :P I am going to miss Trae too, hopefully when the new manager comes in it'll be as good of a change as it was when Trae came in. You'll still have all the girls and if I'm allowed to stay on I will when I'm home. You'll be a great mom and you and Terry will make the best of any situation that comes at you. I hope you feel a little better after having had some sleep.

loves,
Sara

Unknown said...

Chickadee, I hope you finally got some sleep last night. As for work with Terry.... we have been told not worry we are blue badges. I know that doesnt seem to help alot but it does help one stay positive. As for the parenting, my mom always says its different when its yours and different than a fuzzy baby; love them as we do. there has to be a different type of bond that forms when you feel it and nurture it inside you for nine months. I know I cant have any and some days that does make me sad to know that there will not be anyone to get all my stuff later in life. but I know there is a reason for everything. Sqeezes and Smiles to brigthen your day.
D

diane said...

I'm very surprised to hear people talking about having children in times like this. Please be very careful before you make any permanent life altering decisions. Having children will change your life forever. If you're not 100 percent sure you're ready to start a family, then don't. It's not a crime if you decide for whatever reason, not to have children. Consider this, a huge percentage of old folks are spending their old age, alone, yes, alone. Their children have up and left them to fend for themselves. I know this to be true for many elderly indivuals who deserved better. And yet, there they are, all alone. This is classic. Just remember before you do anything that will change your life forever, give it a lot of thought. Children are very, very expensive. This is coming from a women who very much enjoys children, and choose not to have any. And, I can't count how many times I've said to my husband, "Thank God we didn't have children, I'm so thankful we made the right decision". This is only my opinion, some couples couldn't imagine going through life without children. So God bless you, and give it some real consideration. Once you have them, you can't change your mind.

Anonymous said...

I know I'm a little late with this one, but I just have to chime in. You know me, I am generally a very particular person. I have a place for everything and everything's in it's place. I'm grossed out by most aspects of pet ownership and don't enjoy other people's children AT ALL. That being said, I decided 2 years ago that I wanted to become a Mom and then it happened. Let me tell you something, I was a WRECK the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy. I was absolutely sure I was going to be a horrible mother because I didn't even have any real feelings for him yet. I was totally sure that I was dead on the inside and that I was going to hate every part of parenthood, I mean, I get annoyed when Matt acts childish or when I have to spend time with my niece and nephews. And yet here I am 3 months later, blissfully happy and totally smitten with my little man. Yep, he spits up and poops and the pee leaks out of his diaper or he pees all over everything in his bath or while I'm changing him and you know what I do? I laugh and smile and talk baby talk and assure him that everything is fine. As if everyone in the world pees on themselves or sprays down the wall. Me! Miss OCD. I have absolute faith in you Heather. I truly believe that nobody is ever totally sure that they're ready for parenthood. They shouldn't be, because no one possibly can be truly ready. Everything about pregnancy and motherhood is unpredictable. But it's still the best decision I've ever made, I wouldn't trade it for the world. :) Hang in there, we all have doubts sometimes. Be blessed and I miss you : )