Monday, February 22, 2010

Just an update......

I just want everyone to know that Terry & I are doing fine. I'm sorry if I haven't answered the phone or responded to emails, but I was just not ready to......I was just not ready. This has been very hard on me. I'm still so sad and angry. I will get over it but right now I'm still not right. I know I'm not the first woman to ever miscarry and I don't believe that my pain is worse than anyone else's. I think what made this so much harder than the first time is that I fell like I let Terry down. I never thought this would be so hard for us. I just assumed we would get pregnant and have kids. I didn't expect to be 33 (in 2 days...happy birthday to me) and childless.

I'm sorry I intended this blog to be an assurance that we were doing ok......we are but its still sucks.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Sad News

Yesterday Terry and I suffered a second miscarriage. I was 6 weeks along. I was going to wait till my first trimester was passed before we told anyone but now the circumstances have changed. We are both doing fine and are keeping busy as to keep our minds off of it.

I'm extremely sad but I'm also VERY pissed off. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!!?!? WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO HAVE A CHILD? IT'S NOT FAIR! CRACK WHORES AND HOOKERS GET KNOCKED UP ALL THE TIME LIVE THE WORST KIND OF LIVES AND STILL HAVE BABIES THEY DON'T EVEN WANT!!! WTF! And why is it everyplace I look it's baby this & baby that. I feel so inadequate as a woman. I feel worthless. I see all my friends and family having these beautiful babies and I'm so jealous (in a good way).

This one was due on Oct. 12, my dads birthday. We were hoping for a Oct. 18 delivery because it would have been half way between my dad's b-day & Terry's dad's b-day, Oct 24. I so wanted an October baby. It's my favorite month. I was gonna throw the best Halloween B-day parties. We plan on going to PA in July and I was gonna be all big (like 6 1/2 months). I was gonna take a picture of my growing belly every week. I was finally gonna make my parents Grandma & Grandpa & my brother Uncle Clint.

I keep trying to look on the bright side but the truth is right I don't give a shit about the bright side.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Forks, La Push & Cape Flattery

Last week was my glorious vacation during which I did almost nothing. That was the plan after all to do nothing. I didn't want to go anyplace which that's very strange since I am hyper sensitive to the condition known a "Cabin Fever". It takes me like 1 or 2 days before I must get out of the house!!! But for 6 of my 9 days of vacation I was content to stay at home farm with Farmville, clean the house and cook dinners. It was like heaven. The Girls at work did so good! They only called like 3 times and they were up in $ for our week. I knew I could count on them.

This past weekend was beautiful. 50 degree weather & blue skies. An oddity here in the Pacific Northwest for winter, normally our rainy season. So Terry and I took full advantage of it. We took a drive and stayed the night on the Olympic Peninsula. We'd been there once before but didn't get to see a whole lot. So this time I had a list of things I wanted to do and by golly we got them all done in a day and a half!

This is my disclaimer: I am not a "Twihard" (a super Twilight fan) and I really could care less about the actors from the flicks. I did dig the books and I think is cool to go places I've read about or seen on TV. So due to the close proximity to Forks & La Push WA I felt I should go.

Let me start by saying that EVERYONE over there is SOOOOOO nice! I couldn't believe it! They are so welcoming to Twilight fans. They've got a few stores, there are signs in all the windows welcoming Twilighters. It's nuts! They want people to come to their tiny tiny town. And let me tell you, they need it. It's like the town that time forgot. Everything is circa 1982. Everythings clean and orderly but old! I loved it there. We stayed at a small little motel called the Dew Drop Inn. (I love that name)

So without further ado, photographs.......

First Beach.....

Snoopy trying to chew his way to freedom!

A really awesome photo op on the mile hike to Second Beach......

Cape Flattery......just gorgeous not Twilight related.

An eagle just because.

Canada as seen from the south shore of the Straight of Juan de Fuca.

Until next time..........