Monday, April 11, 2011

Why 2010 was a Crapfest

For a while there I was just going to let it go and not blog anymore. Most everyone I know has Facebook now so I saw no real point. But I've decided I need to do some good old fashion venting and I really can't do that via Facebook.

Let me start out by saying that 2010 was, to date, the worst year of my life. I am now in a state of depression that I feel the need to talk about. I'm having trouble moving past it. I am not looking for sympathy. I was completely content to suffer in silence which is exactly what I was doing. That was until this fucking depression started to affect me physically. (I'll get to that later) So now I feel that if I don't get it out and (hopefully) let it go or it will never get better.

Why you ask was 2010 such shit? I had not one, not two, but three miscarriages. Yep! That's got to be some kind of record right? 3 in 12 months. The first one I was 6 weeks, the second was 7 weeks, the third I was 12 weeks. My very first one back in 2008 I was 9 weeks. So that's 4 babies that I will never hold. 4 babies that I have loved from the moment that the lines popped up on that stupid stick, that are gone. 4 grandchildren that our parents will never spoil.

Please understand that I have a good life. I have the best husband on earth. We have a good life. Jobs. A roof over our heads. We are by no means rich but we aren't hunger. I don't ask for much. I never have. I don't want the world I just want to be comfortable and happy in my little piece of it. Terry & I have done some pretty sweet things. More than some people will ever do. Which is one reason I feel so guilty for being depressed. But I can't stop being sad. I HATE THIS!!!

Everyday I wake up and am grateful for everything I have. Then I hear a song or see a baby or a pregnant chick and my wall crumbles a little. Most days I can rebuild but other days it's too much. Truth be told I didn't even realize I was depressed until 3 days ago. For the last 3 weeks I have been suffering from "mystery pain". It seems to come from nowhere last a day or so then move to a different spot. From hip to wrist to knee to a finger to shoulder etc. I have no other symptoms. Except the ones associated with depression. Awesome.

I believe that the first step to me getting over this is to accept that I really have a problem. I have a problem. Fine. I don't want to talk about it I just want to write about it. Please don't tell me that the Gods have a plan or that you know how I feel. You don't and I don't give a shit about Their plans. This is MY life and I have a fucking plan! How you like that?! See, I'm a little angry. I'm working on it.

And before you ask, yes we've been to a fertility specialist and we know the problem. I've taken the steps to help neutralize it. It's a gene thing. I still may never be able to carry a child to term and if I do it may have down syndrome. Of course.

Okay, I'm spent. Until next time.


Mom said...

I love you.

Brenda said...


IPaintTheMoon said...

I hope blogging about it helps a bit. I miss you and wish I could give you a great big hug. Love.

Misgty said...

I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time... thinking of you! And, I DO NOT have Facebook so please don't give up on the blogs, even if it is once every 6 months or so. Take care, Doll! Hang in there. BIG HUGS!

Misty said...

... yeah totally mispelled my name! Sorry about that. Let me try again.

Kiso said...

some of us still read your blog! some things are too serious for facebook. thanks for sharing and I hope you will continue to vent, and seek help (in whatever form) for the depression. you have every right to be depressed, but you shouldn't have to go through it without help.
love you,